A different kind of beauty...

Finally getting around to journaling about the Clothing Fast weeks.  I survived.  And, guess what? Not one person mentioned that I had been wearing the same things for 12 days...I don't even think my family noticed.  It was easy in the sense that I didn't have to think about what to wear at all...there weren't many choices.  But, I actually think I spent more time thinking about clothing than I quite possibly ever have.  It started out innocently and with good intentions...

I started out conducting searches on Capsule wardrobes.  I love the concept of shopping for items that will all mix and match, taking more time to really think and plan for clothing choices that fit my lifestyle, coloring, personality, etc.  Instead of my usual, let's go out and  buy something new for fun, or I just need want something new.

Somehow, I went from researching (spending my timely wisely) to stumbling across other fashion videos and tutorials and quickly getting addicted to watching them. I started a list of items I want to buy...to put together a planned wardrobe.  And although I don't think this is unwise, I really kind of starting obsessing about it. It was on my mind a lot and I was thinking about what things I wanted or "needed" (to buy as soon as this clothing fast thing was over!) right before going to bed....when I usually would pray instead.  And, so my mind went from being focused on praying to being distracted with clothing and accessories, shoes, etc.   

How did this "fasting" of clothes turn my heart and mind away from the Lord instead of turning it to Him?   How weak in the flesh am I?  How I need the Lord.  

And, so the Lord showed me this when I thought I wasn't really learning much or sacrificing much at all.  I learned how quickly I went to something else to fill that empty space...the exact opposite of what I should have been doing.  I should have been minimizing to allow my time and focus to be on the Lord and what He wanted to teach me.  Thank heavens He, in His rich grace taught me.... whether I was really seeking it or not.  

Here are some other take aways from Chapter 2, Clothes Fast: I have too many clothes and I have already gotten rid of two garbage bags of just my things.  I have organized my closet and hung everything on hangers backward.  I am really going to try to continue to purge every couple of months, getting rid of the things that I just don't wear.  I am going to make my future purchases smarter....I will put my list to good use, being more mindful to make smarter purchases.

I didn't buy a new dress for this Easter.  I wore a dress that I bought last year and had not yet worn.  And...I didn't really like it. (It's probably why I haven't worn it yet).  I bought it when I was with someone else.   I'm starting to realize that I often buy things when I am shopping with others just for fun. They tell me it looks good and I buy it.  But, maybe it's not "my" style or doesn't fit my lifestyle.  I am not blaming them for my purchases, I am just realizing that I may be putting too much emphasis on either pleasing other people or getting caught up in the feeling of the moment.  I end up with a lot of clothing that is either a really good deal because I bought it on clearance or got it at a thrift store or swap shop and yet I don't wear a lot of it.  I want to be more mindful to buy pieces that are well thought out ahead of time, that coordinate with at least three other items (a tip I picked up in all my research) and that fit my personality, body type and lifestyle. A quote that resonated with me from Chapter two: 

 "I wish women could regularly enjoy this freedom together liberated from competition and comparison.  There is something so marvelous about women comfortable in their own skin."    I want to dress in a way that makes me more of me...and not trying to "fit in" or dress to impress.  "When the jars of clay remember they are jars of clay, the treasure within gets all the glory, which seems somehow more fitting."

I was reminded that what I really need to be clothed with 

on a daily basis is compassion.

And here's something else that happened this week....

totally unplanned.  I reconciled with a friend.  

For nearly a year now, we have been kind to each other, talking and trying to chat in church from time to time and knowing all the while that there was something brewing under the surface. Her and I, we knew it...but we pretended we didn't.  We had been hurt by one another and we tried to let it go.  We both tried to over look and move on and be the good Christian sisters we are supposed to be.  But, something had changed and we, who had spent so much time together, laughing and telling our life stories and secrets and dreams....grew to be polite and surfacy and sweet...but not real.  We had even tried to get together a few times and act if nothing had happened.  But, it did...and we knew it....and it didn't work.  This has been going on nearly a year now.  
So, the other day, we got together again...to go for a walk, to chat and pretend that we were trying to be a good friendly church friend to each other and something she said, something she did....made me really miss her friendship and made me realize how badly I had been treating her, in my mind and in my body language and in my heart.  My words may have sounded sweet, but heart was beating jealousy and bitterness, unforgiveness and hurt.  We returned to her house, she offered me a cookie, which meant, "I want you to stay awhile like you used to and we can chat some more..." ,but I said, "oh no, thanks...I really should be going." And....I left.  

And, I drove away and the Lord turned my car around. 

Literally, I drove.... and in less than a mile, I was turning around and I parked and I walked right into her house like I used to (without knocking politely) and I tore off my coat and I told her we needed to talk.  I told her I didn't know what to say, but the Lord brought me back here.  I told her I knew things weren't the way they used to be between us and I wasn't quite sure why, but I knew I was at fault and I knew I wanted things to be the way they used to be.  
She looked at me and said she knew.  She knew...and she hadn't known what to do either.   We both had known.  We cried, we confessed, we prayed....we are restored.  We are grateful.  I had been hurtful, in my heart and mind, in my conversations to my husband about her.  We had allowed something that happened between our daughters to tear us apart...each wanting to protect their own had judged and criticized and believed a lie.   

I just went back through this chapter (two) to see what things I had underlined, more words that had resonated with me.  These words .... "I want to belong to a Christian community known for a different kind of beauty, the kind that heals and inspires."   

Do you know what?  Before meeting this woman to go for a walk, I did my make up...I made sure I looked casually good enough to walk and talk with her.  I felt intimidated, she's appears to be so naturally beautiful and stylish.  Well, guess what?  When we were out on our walk, it started to sprinkle, then rain and more RAIN and actually hailed!  We were a mess...straight, wet hair, make up washed away.  This is how we were when we had that conversation... our masks washed away.  Isn't that beautiful?  The Lord stripped us down to ourselves and we cared enough to heal.

I am grateful that the Lord led us to heal our relationship this week.  Satan wants us to be divided and kept apart...he wants the church bickering and fighting and not getting along, not being real....the body destroying itself.  I am thankful for the Cross that heals and changes and grows us to be more like Him!  And so while none of this had much to do with clothing...I don't think it's an accident that the Lord is working on my life in these areas because I am doing something seeking to be taught.   He uses everything.